Shhhhh!

Among a small group of my friends, I have a notorious reputation. If I go to a movie, I will invariably sit next to (or near) the worst people in the theater. No, the worst people in any theater anywhere, attending a movie at any time, that day. Or any other day.

Loud talkers, incredibly overweight people who take up not only their own seat but half of mine, fidgety or rowdy kids, obnoxious teenage girls who discuss at length (and loudly) the cuteness quotient of every male actor, and so on. And on.

And, often, on.

I know that everyone hates being near rude people in theaters, and we've all had the experience (because it's all too common) but really, seriously, I'm talking about every movie I go to. I'm an uncanny magnet for this kind of behavior. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that my friends eventually decide to stop going to movies with me, or make me sit away from them, to draw away the badness. I'm like bait in a trap. I'm rude-moviegoer flypaper.

Just for fun, I'll throw out a couple of examples. Not necessarily the worst ones, but probably the most entertaining (most of them do not make for good stories, although they make for far worse moviegoing experiences).

On one occasion, attending the movie Signs, I sat next to two pillars of the community who talked throughout the film. Nothing much new there. However, I noticed that they praised the director, M. Night Shyamalan up and down, at how great his movies were, but when M. Night actually came on the screen for a cameo, they ironically and unknowingly (I assume) made loud, racist remarks about him. At one point during the movie, a character mentions "amoebas," and one of the two geniuses turns to the other and asks, "Huh?" to which the other replies, "You know, like red blood cells."

A personal favorite of mine was when I went to see the movie Batman years ago. Even back then, I was cursed with bad movie luck. At the time, however, most movie theaters weren't designed with "stadium seating," so if someone sat in front of you, his or her head would block a bit of the screen. This was a personal pet peeve of mine, and I liked to try to get to the theater early to find a seat with no one in front of me. As I sat waiting for Batman to start, I noticed that the theater filled up. Every seat was taken -- except the one in front of me. How lucky could I get? I cheered (inside) as the lights began to dim. Then, I kid you not, the tallest man I have ever seen in my life walked down the aisle, looking for a seat. Of course, the one in front of me was the only one available, so as the movie started, he sat down in front of me. His head didn't block my view of the screen -- his shoulders did. I literally could see only half to a third of the movie at a time.

But the reason why I write this article at all is because of what happened when I saw Spider-Man 2, which I just raved about. I sat in a crowded theater with two empty seats to my right. The people around me looked fairly decent -- you know, quiet, polite, probably interested in the movie they'd come to see -- so I thought I was in the clear. (Although I know better than that. You can't tell the loud and rude people just by looking at them.) Some teenagers moved to take the empty seats. That didn't seem so bad. I mean, in a movie like Spider-Man, teenage boys probably won't talk or anything -- they'll be too into the movie. However, the woman on the other side of the empty seats shooed them away, saying that the seats were taken. I thought that was odd, because I hadn't seen anyone in those seats earlier. But whatever. It wasn't my business.

The theater grew dark and the previews started. Then, a woman and her two very small children came and took the seats. (They clearly were not with the woman who shooed away the teenagers, which made me even more curious. Had the woman lied about the seats being taken because the kids were black? I don't like to think that kind of crap happens anymore, but I know it does.)

Now, I'm certainly not anti-kid. And I imagine that most kids are going to like Spider-Man 2. Kids above, say, the age of 10 or 11 -- because the bad guy in the movie is pretty scary for anyone younger than that. But I looked over and saw that the children sitting next to me (one right next to me, the other on her mom's lap) were about five years old, and about two or three. This was not cool.

The last time I went to a movie and ended up sitting next to a two- to three-year-old (only about two movies prior), the kid spent a good part of the movie pulling on my leg and hitting me, and his mom didn't care, even when I protested. This time, though, I figured the five-year-old next to me would be better. But like all kids, he was fidgety, and talked to his mom, and was, well -- a kid. It's tough to be angry about that, but at the same time I'd paid to see this movie, not deal with someone else's child. But it wasn't the first time, and I was sure it wouldn't be the last.

Then, he started to get weird. The kid began to make these odd, repetitious guttural sounds, like he was chanting: "ug, ug, ug, ug." He did this at length as he stared at the screen. And then, with all the loud sounds in the movie (and just for being asked to sit in one place for two hours), his little sister began to cry. To stop her crying, the mother used an odd strategy. She kissed the little girl -- loudly, and repeatedly. The longer the movie went on, the more the girl wanted to cry and so the more the mother did this. Eventually, her kissing turned into what I've always called "zerbeting*." You know, when you go up to a child like you're going to kiss them, but instead you do the pbpbpbpbpb thing right on their skin so it tickles. By three quarters through, all the quiet scenes of the film had their own unique soundtrack:

Ug, ug, ug, ug -- pbpbpbpbpb! Ug, ug, ug, ug -- pbpbpbpbpb!

It was like they were trying to summon Cthulhu, or something.

Why, oh why did this mom take her two kids to see this movie? And on opening night, no less. Didn't she know how they would behave? I knew as soon as they sat down that they'd be no good, and I'd never seen them before. Not to mention the fact that the mom's behavior was just as bad if not more annoying than the kids' (ultimately, I'm not even sure the mom's noises were better than the little girl's crying, not that I think the woman actually cared about the other moviegoers). And don't get me started on bringing young children to inappropriate movies (although I've seen little kids in far more inappropriate movies than Spider-Man). I guess it's a testament to how good the movie is that I was able to enjoy it a lot, despite my noisy neighbors.

Well, I'll stop now before this starts to sound like a rant. I don't mean for it to be a rant, because there's nothing I can do about it. It's a curse. Some people can't carry a tune. Some people are allergic to chocolate. I got this.

Plus, it's not news to anyone that people are rude in theaters, that they're loud, they talk on their cell phones, that they let their kids run wild, and so on. It is my curse to deal with them every single time, though. If you see me in a movie theater some night, be warned -- sit far, far away from me, lest you fall under the effects of the curse as well. Unless you're one of the loud, rude people. Then, come on over and sit by me. You knew you were going to anyway.

*I have no idea where this word comes from, or where I heard it first. Other people might call it something else. [I think I first heard it on The Cosby Show. —Ed.]

 

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